If you ask divorcing parents if their child is to blame, then they will undoubtedly say of course not. It would make no sense to them to suggest this be the case.
If, however, you ask children of divorcing parents whether they think they caused their parents’ divorce, many of them would reply they did. Or at least that they contributed to it.
What can explain this disparity in views?
Children don’t see the world as adults do
Most adults realize that the world does not revolve around them and that they cannot control other people’s decisions or actions. This is the normal view a mature adult mind will take. Children have not yet reached that same level of maturity. When they are very young, they believe the world revolves around them – because that is the feedback they get.
Take a newborn baby for instance. It cries, gurgles or laughs and attention comes from Mum or whoever else is around at the time. Food and attention are bestowed on it whenever it asks.
Think about how toddlers play, and the magical fantasy lands they play in. One minute they are shooting aliens as if their cardboard tube was a real gun, the next they are saving a princess from a vicious dragon, aka the cat, astride their trusty steed, aka the family dog. Those alternative realities are very real to them when they are in them.
Is it any wonder then that a child believes their actions are more consequential than they actually are? That the argument they “caused’ between their parents by not doing their homework is what led to the divorce? Or that everything would be fine if only they had not told that one lie.
Even older children can be susceptible to believing that their parents are divorcing because of them. They might have heard their parents arguing about whether to allow them to go to a party or about the cost of their school trip and figured those fallings out and thereby the divorce would never have happened if only they had not made those requests.
Reassuring your children that the divorce is not their fault is one of the most important steps divorcing parents can take. Learning about some of the others can help make things smoother for you and your children in this challenging time.
